Thursday, October 23, 2008
more than exhausted.
i kept it all in, till i closed the main door of my house earlier on.
then, tears started to flow, once again taking out more of whatever optimism that is left in me.
or the self-encouragement that i have been trying to give myself.
i'm weary, so so tired, its taking such a toil that i dont know what can i do already.
everything that is so important to me has crashed, leaving me in its ruins.
4 yrs ago, it left me with a broken family.
3 yrs later, my strongest pillar of support abandoned me.
and throughout these 4 yrs, situations have made my life so difficult, it has slowly took away my hope, my belief in family and relationships, as well as the self-confidence that i tried so hard to build up.
its not like i didnt hope before, have faith before,
but each time hope is there it just plummeted, with situations worsening instead of getting better.
each time i hope, each time it gets beaten down.
the whole cycle repeats, till now, it has taken all out of me.
they say difficult times makes a person grow stronger, that i used to agree.
now instead, it has made me weaker, bitter and more pessimistic.
i used to be able to tell myself to be optimistic whenever i met with a bad situation, i used to have the positivity to face up to things, but not anymore.
all these that happened throughout these yrs have taken such a toil on me, that it has drained out all that i have inside.
all that i have now is just a heavy heart, with no hope or anything left.
i dont think anyone can understand that kinda feeling.
someone once said before that i shldnt escape from things.
there isnt anyting for me to escape from, because they are all out of my control.
and i dont want to escape, i just want all these situations to be all over.
i just want to see the rainbow after the rain.
i just wanna be truly happy.
but the rainbow doesnt seem to be coming out for me.
and i am just like a clown putting up a smile, but crying behind the masquerade.
♥ a flower bloomed
9:55 PM
